25 Days of Yoga In December
Normally this is a packed time of the year and I put myself on hold and wait till after New Years to reset, but this year I need it NOW! So I decided to start ‘25 Days of Yoga in December.’
Lost For Words
I thought about what it must be like to be a kid these days. How it’s inevitable to absorb fear, and that it feels so unfair that kids have to be afraid that someone might come into their school and try to shoot them. 95% of schools participate in active shooter drills. Do they help? Do they work or do they spread more anxiety and fear? HOW DID WE GET HERE???
Food for Thought
Everyone is on their own journey. And all I know is that mine is complex. I still have an inner shame voice if I eat what I deem in the moment as ‘too much’ or if the waist band on my pants feels a little too tight on any given day, or if I see a photo of myself and immediately think I look fat. This voice amplifies itself multiple times a day and is reinforced by not so subtle advertising everywhere.
Intermission
OH PLANS!!! I’m still making them, just more and more cautiously and less frequently. This week I felt depressed for a few minutes because I didn’t have anything to do requiring advanced amounts of my brain or talent of any sort. I wanted to rejoice that I’m now planning ‘resting,’ and I’m finding it but not without some despair. I want to be useful. “What am I doing with my time?” I am called to be of service in my life, yet right now I must serve me. It is a mysterious ride to be on, and I feel like I’m going around and around with i
the in-between state
2 weeks prior to starting chemo when I was hearing my diagnosis for the first time, I had a conversation with myself about my drinking. Though I drank less than I used to, it seemed to be the right time to choose to be alcohol-free for the duration of my treatment. After all, booze has shown to increase estrogen in the bloodstream and HELLO I have an estrogen receptor positive cancer. Truly sounds like a no-brainer to me!
different news
What I want to be clear about here is that I didn’t ‘fail’ at keeping cancer away. My first thoughts with this new experience were of that ilk. I believe the trauma of the first experience I had with cancer made me feel ashamed that I got it again. Actually, I was ashamed that I got it at all. Everyone will say ‘but it’s not your fault’ and I would say that to anyone in the world but myself. So that is the source of where I begin. How DO I talk to myself?
A New Way to Be
I was on the way to work a night shift when I learned I had ‘a cancer’ in my breast. I really thought it was the hospital calling to tell me I had to float to another unit or that we were overstaffed or something, but it turned out to be the results of a recent biopsy I’d had. Of course, having the biopsy alerted me to the possibility of such a situation but I had tucked it away as something I’d ‘hoped was wrong.’ But ‘I knew all along.’
I worked my shift that night with that new knowledge, and I couldn’t even speak of it because I would have fallen apart. I took care of my patients that night extra carefully and in the downtime googled reasons why I might have given this to myself. I had a hard night. I couldn’t call anyone. It may have been the longest night of my entire life.
Dance of Caring Souls
he inspiration for ‘Dance of Caring Souls’ came from a tattoo Dara got when she first moved to the US from Ireland. The tattoo was based on ‘the Dance’ by Henri Matisse. Later as she was completing her graduate program in Nursing, the image was part of her studies in a nursing textbook demonstrating the Theory of Caring.
To me, this song is an anthem to caregivers around the world, joining hands in peace, with the mission to take good care and support each other not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as well. It’s also a thank you note to all of the great teachers we have had that have taught us to care deeply in so many ways…
We all hold a few names… that guided us along the way… they’re the ones who twirled with us… in the dance of care and love
