The Luck of a Believer

I just got back from a wonderful trip out to Oregon to see family, friends, and spend some time on the coast with my husband. We did so many fun activities - including going to a Portland Pickles baseball game with my sister, brother-in-law and my nephews, gray whale watching in Depoe Bay, golfing (me watching Jason and his Uncle Brad) at Bandon Dunes, dipping our toes in the ocean at Rockaway Beach, and visiting my friends Lin & Kathy on their gorgeous property in Dallas, OR. It was a great reset and we had many delicious meals and laughs along the way. The Oregon Coast is propaganda for moving at this time of year - the temperature is perfect and there is no humidity compared to the broiler of TN right now.

Now getting settled back in and integrating everything - this year has been a wild ride so far. Besides going back to work and normal times, I find myself asking, ‘What’s next?’ After so many adventures, it’s hard not to keep being on one. Yet, I am also ready for some down time and pondering time and what is coming up is that I want to be writing. I’ve been dancing around my memoir for a couple of years and it’s ever changing in how it looks, but I am feeling the spirit to actually finish a draft that’s worth pitching later this summer -- if only to give myself some freedom to write about other things. The creative process… it is so tenuous sometimes. I am writing a lot. Being part of Terri Trespicio’s ‘Studio’ makes me write at least once or twice a week and it’s been amazing. I have generated quite a bit of content - some worthy of making it into my memoir, but some of it is so different that I want to play with it more. But coming around the bend of hitting ‘post’ - even to my dedicated paid subscribers, has me wincing. Do I really want to share THAT? What will they think? No matter what medium, I have a little bit of a trauma response to ‘releasing’ what I’ve created. I’ll explain…

This morning I was on a Zoom Salon for Studio and the prompt was “LUCK.” I went down an interesting rabbit hole and though I am not ready to share that essay, I came upon something super interesting in my memory bank. A few things actually, one of them being I used to date someone that ate dirt, but in addition to that, I found ‘luck’ in finding someone at that moment who was supportive of what I was doing…

The thing that hooked me - was that he liked my music. I was working on an album and after his morning Sinatra routine, he’d pull up the playlist of the songs I was cutting at the studio around the corner and give me great notes on the mixes. He’d blast them out of the 4th floor windows and they sounded better than they ever would again. Someone was interested in what I was creating…I finally got lucky enough to have one person on my side in the struggle of believing in what I was making.

The relationship didn’t last, but in that moment, I needed a believer in finishing that record. Unfortunately it wasn’t enough to get me over the despair hump at that time, and the record barely saw the light of day. I played a couple of half-hearted release shows and then crawled back into my shell.

I saw the above quote on Substack a few weeks ago and it resonated with me, maybe a little more than I’d like!

Maybe the creation itself is the easiest part, although that feels off because the inspiration to create comes out of the need to process emotions. I didn’t know I was becoming an artist when it was happening. I also didn’t know I needed to be a marketing genius. After I finished that record, I got spooked and lost my confidence. It was so dangerous that I almost quit making music altogether. In fact, it’s why I moved to Nashville - to ensure I would continue to be a musician.

In hindsight, that sounds funny. But I was in a ‘what’s the point’ state of mind and that can kill creativity on the spot. Because we don’t make things to impress other people, or seek approval. But we still need someone in our corner, saying ‘keep moving.’

‘There is a time for any fledgling artist where one’s taste exceeds one’s abilities. The only way to get through this period is to make things anyway.’
Gabrielle Zevin, from ‘Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow (2022)

The record I’m referring to in my discography is called ‘Waycross.’ I gave it a spin today and was surprised how much I still like it, and how so much of who I was in 2012 is folded into the layers of that record.

Listen here:https://open.spotify.com/album/1yprGq9heJgWIGTf9aTbxo?si=riN0HxoZTAqYSE5gWK8g-Q

As I work to have confidence to share my prose writings, I am practicing here. I am thankful to have the space and am learning all of the time how to do it better. I am so thankful for you, dear reader, for staying with me along the way, for being that person that says, ‘keep moving.’

Much love, m

Checking into Summer