Wide Awake 5AM

I’m wide awake at 5AM

I was hoping today to finally sleep in

But something won’t let me be still

If not now when will it will

When I walk in the room I can feel everything

All I wanna do is my best for you 

It’s all changing before my eyes

I’m stuck in traffic, I’m terrified

this is how the day is gonna go

This is how the day is gonna go

I lost 2 friends and 3 professors

Didn’t know how close it could come to my home

You never know how the storm will blow

And how it will affect your tempo 

this is how the day is gonna go

This is how the day is gonna go

Its gonna go…

I’m wide awake at 5 AM 

I was hoping today to finally sleep in

But In the grey and burnt orange sky

I will try 

To be still to be still 

 Ohhhhh To be still 

This is how the day is gonna go (to be still) 

This is how the day is gonna go (to be still)

This is how the day is gonna go (to be still)

When I got together with Rebecca to write this song last May, I had no idea what would happen. Like any songwriting session, I was nervous. What did i have to bring to the table? How would she feel about this process? I reminded myself how lucky I was to actually be spending time with a good friend who I happened to work with. We had been locked down for about 2 months at that point and socializing was off the table in most cases. Since we’d been working closely together on our unit, we made an exception and found a place on a deck outside in her apartment building to write the song.

As we sat and talked about how we were feeling about everything that had been going on, I jotted down a few phrases that were spoken. Rebecca is a gifted nurse and smart as a whip. She has always been inspiring to me because she is so thoughtful and caring in addition to truly understanding disease processes. Working with her is fun because we would try to solve problems together and I could always count on her to answer a complex medical question revolving around pathophysiology. So taking it into the creative realm of songwriting, I was not surprised that she threw out some very poignant phrases!

At this time (May 2020) we were still reaching an understanding of what Covid-19 was and how to treat it. We did not know if we would get sick or how it would affect our palliative care environment. The hospital was very quiet early on in the pandemic. I think people were afraid to come in even for routine treatments. That would later change but during that time an eerie quiet was looming. Many of my civilian friends had actually come down with Covid right after the tornado, when there were few tests available, but the number of patients admitted to the hospital was low. It was literally the calm before the storm.

After we wrote that day and played with a melody line, I left the session feeling inspired and energized. Rebecca has an ability to modulate energy and combining our creative energy proved to do so even more.

Recording this song was especially powerful to me. The music plays out dynamically and sweeps in and out in a wild frenzy. I played my violin for the first time in months when I went in to record the string parts. I had trouble last year feeling inspired to play without any reason to do so. I am not always good at practicing my instruments ‘for fun.’ Suddenly I had a job to do and despite my slight regret for my slipping technique, I was reminded that the violin is part of my heart and soul and a true way to express emotions that can’t be put into words.

To me this is a morning ‘mourning’ song. Anticipation of a new day, and the uncertainties it brings. I’m wide awake at 5AM; maybe not quite ready to take on a difficult day. When I pull into the parking garage and take my key out of the ignition and put my mask on, I enter a realm where I must be centered and ready to take care of others in vulnerable states. I must have a steady hand and a caring heart. I must be ready to find answers to questions and learn new things in any moment. I must be ready to think on my feet, and improvise when I don’t know what to say. I pray to a spiritual being to give me strength, to be still and to help me through the day because ‘this is how the day is gonna go.’

Photo by Laura Schneider